I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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