First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
