Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
