I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
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