My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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