Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
