Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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