OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
