Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
