I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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