I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
