@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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