i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
