alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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