he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
how drunk are you?
Several
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
