It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
