Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
