In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
