My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
then he tried to convert me to islam
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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