if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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