Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
