I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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