Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Randomize
