Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
