I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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