By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
