About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
