I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
You were trust falling into bushes
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
