dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
