Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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