Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
People in love make me want to vomit
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
