if i can run in heels then i can drive
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
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