So drunk, too bad you don't want this
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
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