I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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