my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
