Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
