I showed him my bush... on skype.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
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