she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
