Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Randomize
