2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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