hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Randomize
