I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
