I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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