be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
