i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
