It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize