apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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