Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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