I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
