Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
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