I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
