Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
