I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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