i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Randomize
