Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
