I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
