i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
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