He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I'm passing your future prison.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Randomize
