How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
